I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
