a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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