just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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