I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
