i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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