No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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