I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
