OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
