Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
