I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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