hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize