Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
