I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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