dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
