his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
