Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
