i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
