If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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