you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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