if you like me you must not know who I am
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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