worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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