i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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