my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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