I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize