News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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