If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
