this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
