Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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