we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
