So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
