Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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