How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The best revenge is premature balding
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
