Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize