We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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