i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
