just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
