a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
