I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
