what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
