I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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