oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
