Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Randomize
