saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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