Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
