I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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