You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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