You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
