He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
