I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
