my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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