my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
