Your face is a jimmy john
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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