You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
3 2 1 whiskey
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