I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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