i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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