this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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