drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
