I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
