then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
