The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
